Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
