Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
