I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
