anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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