I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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