My cat gives me a boner
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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