forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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