The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Randomize
