There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
