Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
