fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
