I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
