My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Farmville is her only friend.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
