Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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