Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
sex in a hospital.. check
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
