I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize
