Me. At least after what I've been through.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
