Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
there is glitter all over my balls
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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