can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
