soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
