My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
