You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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