My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
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so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
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This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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