right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
