I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
