I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
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still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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