I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
i need some magic done to my vagina
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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