I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
