Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
