Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
