i permit you to call me
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
