Quick, to the slutcave!
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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