his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
