Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
