apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My vagina just recognized that song.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Randomize
