the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
