I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
