Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Houston, we have a blender
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
