I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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