so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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