I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
