if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize