I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
