as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
