1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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