My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
