Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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