he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Randomize
