there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
