Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
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you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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