I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Randomize
