when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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