Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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