Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Fuck me I smell like cheese
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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